There must be only 2 options with no exceptions:
- You fuck her
- You fuck the other girl.
My time is valuable. If so, why do I have to spent my time with the girl I don't fuck?

No long-term seduction, it leads to nowhere.
I gotta be ruthless insted of kind-hearted, think about my own profit, and only then about her.

If you respect yourself, others will respect you. Not vise versa.
If you respect others, they won't respect you. It's an universal rule, it applies to all cases.

There's no such thing as "She's not like others, she's unique". Enough that bullshit.
"Take it or leave it!" they say.

I just told her that I won't talk with her in months as I'm changing my character.

- Why we can't you talk with me? - asked she with interest.
- I hate my character and I am changing it now.
- What do you wanna change in your character? - still it seemed surprised for her.
- A lot of things need to be changed. It doesn't matter for now. Nevermind.
- You can unfriend me. - she said with dissapointment.
- You said that so easy...
- What to do if don't wanna talk with me anymore? - her voice was upset.
- Okey then, bye-bye!
- All the best! - obediently she said.

It all was wrong from the beginning.
I didn't find enought confidence inside of me when we met. I thought I need some more time to figure out what kind of relationship I want. I made a mistake. You can't built friendship first and then love. Fuck. What a bullshit am I writting now?!

I was acting as an Omega insted of an Alpha.

"If I were your age, I would think of getting married with you"

I wish no one knew how much pain a line above brought to me. I just wanted to give her a compliment, but it went wrong...

When thoughts like this come to your beautiful mind... trust me, never say them to her.
Of course, if you love your woman and don't wanna ruin your relationship :)

I'm not interested in what I can't reach.

It find it useless. It's like trying to fly with no wings - you will fall on the ground. Does it worth a try?

How about the girls? Do they find a guy, they can't reach, attractive?

Another nail in the coffin

We were meant to meet last Friday. We didn't. That sucks.

Feels like I'm not living life of mine. I always get the minimum amount of relationship with her. Kissing and cuddling is good, but that's not the point. I really need to have sex with her. I'm not obsessed with sex... No, I am. I've been suppressing it for so long, so now I can't control it.

It's always better to burn bright than slowly fade away. I tried to break up with her, but in the last moment I said that she could call me anytime she wants to hear me.

"And that's all?" she asked me surprisingly.
"So now you don't want to see me anymore?" - she is always good at asking the right questions - it was her second question.
"So far no, but I will think about the future" - I responded.

... About a week or so she called me and asked about the rest of the photos that I supposed to give her. When it was done, she called me again and offered to come to her to have my present - it was a cake. As it often happend, only on third weekend we could hang out.

When we came to the hidden place in a forest we sat down on my sleeping pad and talked much. Than her phone rang and she stood up. I wanted to kiss her so badly, but I didn't know when to start. Look on her face also made me feel puzzled. It was not like her being kind of shy or something. I stood up too, came to her, cuddled slowly and said that we didn't see each other for so long... I patted her arms, pulled towards myself and begun to kiss. She was so putty in my hands...

Huh, writting this makes me feel like it was just yesterday, although it was more than a month ago.

I didn't paw her, because I might have not survived another heartattack.
Maybe it was my mistake... I should've not taken it that seriously.

Another nail in the coffin. For me our relationship is going to be over. Sooner or later, it's just a matter of time. I knew that was going to happen. I wish I could go a bit further than I am now.

9/10: is it enough?

Have you ever asked yourself is 9 out of 10 enough for you?

You were expected to get 10 bills/kittens/whatever, but all you have is just only 9. Will you be frustrated? Well, it depends on how valuable the thing is for you in this very moment.

Will you consider deep, trusting and full of emotional intimacy relationship not that good without having sex?

Sex is my final destination. That's how I can know that I hold a special place in her world. I can own something which isn't available for others. If I didn't reach this point, then I must be like a million of others who tried and failed.

You made it to her home looking forward to have a warm welcome, one more step and... the door is closed.

:(

I'm just sad that this couldn't work out... My world will never be the same, although I've made same mistake twice. What the fuck!

This is heartbreaking... having lived 26 years with no achievements with women. If they don't want me, then there must be something wrong with me. A traitor inside my mind that always lets me down. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to make it through.

I'm not saying I've been failing all the time... Two or three times I could manage my relationship with women. Looking back through the years I can clearly see now that we were laking trust between us. Getting laid for the first time with no experience can be such a challange. When you weren't told about healthy relationship between men and women porn is not a good coach, it only leads to dilusion about what real sex looks like.

Failure

Thanks to constant lacking of sex, there's only one thing on my mind and that's revenge. I don't think I will ever be faithful. While they all were having sex, I wasn't. And now should I say "no" to myself? No, never.

It is still so fucking hard to let her go. I believe in reason and logic, but it doesn't work here..

I guess if I could have erased my memory I would have done it. I've learned the lessons I would never learn the other way. I would like her to be my only one. Her beauty and character is beyond any evaluation... My God why should I go through it? Why things are so complicated, when life isn't an easy thing to handle?

... I still remember the day when one of her daughters said the she like me and she wants to see me. I was so exited! I begun thinking how cool it would be to marry one of her daughters while having a relationship with her. I can't stop wishing to be with her...

There's no other girl among my peers who can compare to her. The way she looks at you, treats you, speaks to you, cuddles you with her gentle arms, kisses you with all her passion, doing a million unexpected pleasant things for you...

If there's a perfect woman, that's definitely the She.

Will I ever stop shed a tear while I'm writting all this?

30/09/2016   2:46