I'm not interested in what I can't reach.

It find it useless. It's like trying to fly with no wings - you will fall on the ground. Does it worth a try?

How about the girls? Do they find a guy, they can't reach, attractive?

Another nail in the coffin

We were meant to meet last Friday. We didn't. That sucks.

Feels like I'm not living life of mine. I always get the minimum amount of relationship with her. Kissing and cuddling is good, but that's not the point. I really need to have sex with her. I'm not obsessed with sex... No, I am. I've been suppressing it for so long, so now I can't control it.

It's always better to burn bright than slowly fade away. I tried to break up with her, but in the last moment I said that she could call me anytime she wants to hear me.

"And that's all?" she asked me surprisingly.
"So now you don't want to see me anymore?" - she is always good at asking the right questions - it was her second question.
"So far no, but I will think about the future" - I responded.

... About a week or so she called me and asked about the rest of the photos that I supposed to give her. When it was done, she called me again and offered to come to her to have my present - it was a cake. As it often happend, only on third weekend we could hang out.

When we came to the hidden place in a forest we sat down on my sleeping pad and talked much. Than her phone rang and she stood up. I wanted to kiss her so badly, but I didn't know when to start. Look on her face also made me feel puzzled. It was not like her being kind of shy or something. I stood up too, came to her, cuddled slowly and said that we didn't see each other for so long... I patted her arms, pulled towards myself and begun to kiss. She was so putty in my hands...

Huh, writting this makes me feel like it was just yesterday, although it was more than a month ago.

I didn't paw her, because I might have not survived another heartattack.
Maybe it was my mistake... I should've not taken it that seriously.

Another nail in the coffin. For me our relationship is going to be over. Sooner or later, it's just a matter of time. I knew that was going to happen. I wish I could go a bit further than I am now.

9/10: is it enough?

Have you ever asked yourself is 9 out of 10 enough for you?

You were expected to get 10 bills/kittens/whatever, but all you have is just only 9. Will you be frustrated? Well, it depends on how valuable the thing is for you in this very moment.

Will you consider deep, trusting and full of emotional intimacy relationship not that good without having sex?

Sex is my final destination. That's how I can know that I hold a special place in her world. I can own something which isn't available for others. If I didn't reach this point, then I must be like a million of others who tried and failed.

You made it to her home looking forward to have a warm welcome, one more step and... the door is closed.

:(

I'm just sad that this couldn't work out... My world will never be the same, although I've made same mistake twice. What the fuck!

This is heartbreaking... having lived 26 years with no achievements with women. If they don't want me, then there must be something wrong with me. A traitor inside my mind that always lets me down. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to make it through.

I'm not saying I've been failing all the time... Two or three times I could manage my relationship with women. Looking back through the years I can clearly see now that we were laking trust between us. Getting laid for the first time with no experience can be such a challange. When you weren't told about healthy relationship between men and women porn is not a good coach, it only leads to dilusion about what real sex looks like.

Failure

Thanks to constant lacking of sex, there's only one thing on my mind and that's revenge. I don't think I will ever be faithful. While they all were having sex, I wasn't. And now should I say "no" to myself? No, never.